I had a small panic attack on Friday morning.Don't worry, I am mostly fine now.It was just one of those things where little things added up.First, I have had ZERO time to myself over the past 3 or 4 months.Second, I've been getting hit with tiny pieces of stress-filled shrapnel for a while now.No one thing was enough to faze me much, if at all.Added up though, something had to give eventually.As it turns out, a recurring plumbing problem is what sent me over the edge.
I'm not sure if anyone reading this has ever had a panic attack, but it is fucking scary as all hell.I've had two, not counting this minor one.The first was during my first year of college.I came home for my birthday(It's in September, so I was only a few weeks into school.) and was in my room with my sister and some friends.We were laughing and having a good time when I just shut down.If I had to make a comparison, it would be like having all of your car's electric systems shutting down at once while driving.If that has ever happened to you, you know that your lights, radio, engine, gauges, etc all go off at once and you just coast until you stop.Then you hope like hell that the car starts up again.That's what happened to me.I remember people trying to talk to me, but that is about all I remember of when it was actually taking place.
The second time was afew years after I graduated, when I was working for a fence company in their woodshop.It was a job I wasn't too thrilled with to begin with.I was somewhat trapped there(for the time being)and had developed some nasty asthma from constantly breathing in the wood dust.On top of that, the people who worked there were mostly assholes.I was my normal, quiet self and apparently no one could handle that, so they took every opportunity to play practical jokes or just plain taunt me.Their reasoning:They liked to watch me get upset.I was the entertainment.
Anyway, it was a winter day and I was busy nailing together a section of fence.I was getting the usual taunts and catcalls from behind my back when someone whipped a snowball, HARD, that came about 6 inches from hitting me in the back of the head.I absolutely freaked out on everybody.I don't remember one word of what I said, but I know that no one was laughing at me this time.I stormed into my boss's office and told him I was leaving.I drove home in the midst of a 2 hour blackout.My memory of that day goes:yelled at my boss, and then I'm home on the couch.
After that, people at work treated me like I was made of glass.I didn't like that too much either, but at least the taunting stopped and never really got going again, at least not to the extent it was before.This second one was much scarier.I've never blacked out without massive amounts of alcohol in my system before.It felt like I was watching the whole event unfold from outside my own body.
ponsive.I even tried to suck it up and go to work.Everyone noticed right away that I wasn't right.The first words out of the mouth of the woman I worked with were "You look pale.You should go home."I tried to stay, but was just completely emotionally drained.after sitting at my computer for 1/2 hour straight staring at my shoes I realized that all I was doing by staying at work was hurting myself.I knew that every person who saw me so despondent would comment and that would just make me feel worse.So I went home and fell asleep watching a movie.The next day I was still somewhat shaky, but I made it to work and lasted the whole 10 hour day.
Since then I've been congested and just sick-feeling.I can't be sure that the two things are connected, but I'm pretty sure that they are.Today has been the worst day of all.I can't breathe out of my nose at all and have one hell of a headache.Those things are making me feel sluggish and apathetic.I hate feeling like this.
Normally, I have little faith in medicine.Most of it has little effect on me.Today though, I felt so crappy that I took 8 tablets of "Pain Aid", which is a combination of aspirin, acetaminophen, salicylamide(whatever that is), and caffeine.It cleared up my nose and made me feel better for about an hour.Now, of course, I'm back to square one:stuffed up and aching.
Damn it all to hell, I hate having a cold.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Holiday Party
About a month ago, I received my invitation for my job's annual holiday party.My first thought was, of course, that I wasn't going to go.Why would I?Things like that are designed to make me uncomfortable.I started talking to one of the other guys who works in the warehouse though and we kind of talked each other into going
Yesterday was the big day.I had been anticipating/dreading this all week.Sure, I'd get a free meal out of it.I would also, most likely, spend my whole time there paralyzed by my own hangups about being out socially.Which way would I go?
We arrived about 20 minutes into the cocktail hour.The first thing I noticed was that nearly everybody was dressed in formal attire.I was in jeans, sneakers, and a grey henlee.So right away I felt a wee bit out of place.I saw a few people I knew from when I worked in the other office, which I guess was cool.We then hooked up with the other people from the warehouse and, as I stood there, I realized the answer to the question in the previous paragraph.I was TOTALLY freaked out at the amount of people there.All I could do was stand there in silence and hope that dinner would come soon.My fiancee had a much easier time settling in, engaging in conversation with another worker's wife.
Eventually we did get to sit down to eat.The food, being served buffet-style, was quite good.I was still a bit uncomfortable though.I decided to do something out-of-character for me and actually had an alcoholic beverage, hoping it would loosen me up enough to enjoy myself.I went with a long island iced tea because, if I'm going to break my own personal prohibition, I'm going to go all the way.I finished one and grabbed another just before the open bar was over.The second one I nursed a bit more, as I wasn't sure of how strong my tolerance was.I did not want to be drunk, just a little buzzed at most.
I didn't get much of a buzz at all, which was pretty surprising considering it had been about 5 years since the last time alcohol entered my body.I also didn't loosen up much.I just sat there for the rest of the night until the DJ started up with that infernal "Electric Slide" crap.(The electric slide, the chicken dance, the macarena, and every other line dancing thing that might be done at a party/wedding is beyond my realm of tolerance.We are banning the electric slide from our wedding.She still wants the chicken dance, but I'm hoping I can wear her down with that one.)I was just coming back from the bathroom when I saw and heard it and decided that was enough.We said our goodbyes to our tablemates and bid a hasty retreat to avoid the associative embarrassment that comes with seeing people you know trying to choreograph a dance with each other.
To be fair, it wasn't so horrible.I was sitting with people I knew.The food was quite good and there was even a dessert bar that had chocolate cake and cheesecake.They also gave away a lot of prizes, of which I won zero.I know this story seems a little plain, but it was a pretty plain night.I find that I am undecided as to whether or not I'd go again next year.It left me feeling just kind of "meh".I guess I'll see how disillusioned I feel next time the invites come around.
Yesterday was the big day.I had been anticipating/dreading this all week.Sure, I'd get a free meal out of it.I would also, most likely, spend my whole time there paralyzed by my own hangups about being out socially.Which way would I go?
We arrived about 20 minutes into the cocktail hour.The first thing I noticed was that nearly everybody was dressed in formal attire.I was in jeans, sneakers, and a grey henlee.So right away I felt a wee bit out of place.I saw a few people I knew from when I worked in the other office, which I guess was cool.We then hooked up with the other people from the warehouse and, as I stood there, I realized the answer to the question in the previous paragraph.I was TOTALLY freaked out at the amount of people there.All I could do was stand there in silence and hope that dinner would come soon.My fiancee had a much easier time settling in, engaging in conversation with another worker's wife.
Eventually we did get to sit down to eat.The food, being served buffet-style, was quite good.I was still a bit uncomfortable though.I decided to do something out-of-character for me and actually had an alcoholic beverage, hoping it would loosen me up enough to enjoy myself.I went with a long island iced tea because, if I'm going to break my own personal prohibition, I'm going to go all the way.I finished one and grabbed another just before the open bar was over.The second one I nursed a bit more, as I wasn't sure of how strong my tolerance was.I did not want to be drunk, just a little buzzed at most.
I didn't get much of a buzz at all, which was pretty surprising considering it had been about 5 years since the last time alcohol entered my body.I also didn't loosen up much.I just sat there for the rest of the night until the DJ started up with that infernal "Electric Slide" crap.(The electric slide, the chicken dance, the macarena, and every other line dancing thing that might be done at a party/wedding is beyond my realm of tolerance.We are banning the electric slide from our wedding.She still wants the chicken dance, but I'm hoping I can wear her down with that one.)I was just coming back from the bathroom when I saw and heard it and decided that was enough.We said our goodbyes to our tablemates and bid a hasty retreat to avoid the associative embarrassment that comes with seeing people you know trying to choreograph a dance with each other.
To be fair, it wasn't so horrible.I was sitting with people I knew.The food was quite good and there was even a dessert bar that had chocolate cake and cheesecake.They also gave away a lot of prizes, of which I won zero.I know this story seems a little plain, but it was a pretty plain night.I find that I am undecided as to whether or not I'd go again next year.It left me feeling just kind of "meh".I guess I'll see how disillusioned I feel next time the invites come around.
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